I had a nightmare - perhaps the result of undigested food from Thanksgiving through to Halloween - imagining that my most colourful relatives living and deceased gathered together for a feast. Perhaps you have your own nightmares of this sort. If you ever need my services to make your gatherings more pleasant...well, maybe we can make a trade in kind.
Dreams exaggerate the truth. In reality, my family gatherings on all sides have nearly always been comfortable and fun, despite or because of the characters involved. And I get along with all of them most of the time. And my family was quite open (not many unspeakable topics, though I'm learning some secrets as I get older), and also very accommodating, and generous.
From my experience I glean these lessons:
1. Make an effort. Otherwise you make others, and yourself, miserable. These events are important to others, and you might consider it some pay back for the help family provides. Be thankful, and contribute what you can.
2. Set your limits before you reach your limit. When I said 'no thanks' to something, people accepted it, perhaps because I'd made an effort at other times.
3. Read body language. It's not hard to tell when you're annoying someone, and if you can't tell then you might have an empathy gap.
4. Make traditions flexible. That's a bit of a paradox, but if you meditate on it you might see the wisdom of striking a balance.
5. Pick your battles. If it's a recurring problem, and the person has some capacity to learn, then give a firm but diplomatic response at some time and place other than the dinner table.
6. After months or years of not speaking, just decide to 'bury the hatchet.' Everyone else in the family will breath a sigh of relief.
I realize not every family has it as good as I do, but it's worth some effort to improve it. After all, it's inescapable.
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